Prominent Scientologist, Tom Cruise, stands accused in the press of inducing Comedy Central to suppress the reshowing of an episode mocking both him and Scientology. For those who want to see the offensive episode and make up their own minds, fortunately South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker have been quite open toward private downloads of their material.
Accordingly, here is the Scientology episode in its entirety. It lasts just under 22 minutes.
If you would rather read the script, you may do so here.
Jack Myers has had a long description of the episode on his site since last fall.
In South Park's Scientology episode, Stan, one of the kids who lives in South Park, Colorado, is tested with something called an "E-meter" and scores so highly that he is believed to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology.
Here are some of the highlights of the last half of the episode, as described by Jack Myers:
First, the president of the Church of Scientology revealed the "safely guarded Scientology doctrine" to Stan. "It all began 75 million years ago with a galactic federation of planets ruled by the evil Lord Xenu," he started, reciting a story that is posted all over the Web. "Fearing overcrowding, Xenu rounded up countless aliens from all those planets and had those aliens frozen. The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. They were sent to earth and dumped into the volcanoes of Hawaii [and other volcanoes, see Wikipedia]. They were no longer frozen. They were dead.
"The souls of the aliens floated toward the sky," the president continued, explaining that Xenu had built giant "soul catchers" to collect them all and unload them into a brainwashing facility he had built on earth. "The souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material that tricked them into believing a false reality," the president revealed. "Xenu then released the alien souls that roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man the aliens found bodies they could grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, confusions and problems."
As the president spoke this story was presented in colorful animated detail — with the words "This is What Scientologists Actually Believe" superimposed on the screen.
Meanwhile, back in Stan's bedroom, Nicole Kidman was recruited to help in the effort to convince Tom Cruise come out of hiding. "Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" she asked her ex-husband. "It's time for you to come out of the closet."
"I'm not in the closet," Cruise replied.
"Yes you are, Tom," said a patient Kidman. "And you need to just end this and come out. I'm not going to think any differently of you. Katie's not going to think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom. Come out. You're not fooling anyone."
Eventually, fellow Scientologist John Travolta joined Cruise in the closet. He also refused to come out, sparking additional interest from the media. Stan, meantime, was busily writing a new sacred doctrine for the Church. But when he suggested that Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong to the Church, its president had a meltdown.
"What are you, stupid?" he raged. "What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you? Having them pay you for it!" Stan's continued gentle protests further agitated him. "This is a scam on a global scale!" the man cried. "Do you f---ing get me now?"
Stan later addressed a huge crowd of Scientologists in front of his home that had assembled to meet their new profit [sic, a Freudian slip?--JL]. But he further defied the head of the Church, telling the masses, "Scientology is just a big fat global scam." "We're going to sue you!" screamed several outraged Scientologists, including Cruise, who had finally come out of Stan's closet.
"We're going to sue your ass and your balls!" cried one.
"You are so sued, kid," said another.
"Well go on then. Sue me!" Stan shot back. "Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!"
At that, the episode ended, and in a final tweak from Parker and Stone, all of the names in the show's closing credits read John Smith or Jane Smith [presumably to make them harder to identify and thus sue--JL].
Now I can better understand Stone and Parker's response to Comedy Central's suppressing the episode:
" So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."
One thing that struck me while watching the Scientology episode is that some of the creation stories in mainstream religions are a bit hard to swallow as well, though I take it that Scientology's creation story is in some respects even stranger than the episode makes it out to be, which is pretty farfetched.
UPDATE: According to FOXNEWS, Comedy Central is going to show the bumped Scientology episode on Wednesday at 10pm ET (tip to Fark.com). Although one can't be certain, it appears as if the uproar made Comedy Central rethink their position on reshowing the episode.