The Epic of Pismo Beach
Alexander "Sasha" Volokh

This poem won 49th place (out of about 6000 entries) in Pismo Beach's Very Fifth Annual World's Worst Poetry Competition. Submissions were required to contain a rhyme for "Pismo" other than "gizmo." This poem didn't win, apparently, because I didn't know, at the time, that Pismo Beach is connected with clams.

Oh, here is a tale
Of the time I set sail
From the beautiful beaches of Pismo.
I wanted to vanish,
To see places Spanish --
I found that my life was so dismo;
My friend Moe said, "Remain,
Or at least, take a plane,"
And all I could say was "Gee whiz, Moe!"
The first thing I did
Was to go to Madrid
And say "Hi" to the generaliss'mo,
But my interest soon faded;
Spain was overrated;
The people had too much charismo,
And the food that I had
Was astoundingly bad
And it made me take much Pepto-Bismo'.
O unspeakable woe!
Though I certainly know
That in Spanish, "the same" is "lo mismo,"
I soon left that sad land
For my native old strand
And will never go back to Cadiz mo'.
No more will I roam!
In the safety of home
I will trim my green hedge and let Liz mow;
Our gardens well-tended
Will look just as splendid
As light passing through a glass prism, oh!
I think I had best stick
To comforts domestic,
Forgetting my pride and machismo --
How painful to learn
It is best to return
To the calm of the beaches of Pismo!

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