My friend Marilyn Zielinski made an interesting observation a few weeks ago; I’ve been thinking about it (purely for academic reasons, of course!) on and off since, and I thought I’d pass it along:
I think almost any man can be sexy, can become a good flirt, can learn to attract women, if he is truly willing to. Like most social skills, the general principles aren’t that mysterious, and are quantifiable if you pay attention.
I think it’s particularly true that most men can learn to be sexy, since women are more forgiving about looks, which are less changeable . . . . Maybe it’s easier for women to cultivate appeal, since we’re sort of more raised with the idea of adapting ourselves, rather than just “being,” but men can do it.
But most men don’t really want to be sexy; they want sexy to be them. I don’t mean to man-bash, men are one of my favorite genders, but it’s such a waste of resources. Like you, I know tons of great women. They’re (list of all the good adjectives), and people want to be around them.
And I know a fair number of (good adjectives) single men, but [it’s generally] also clear why they’re single. They don’t listen, and won’t; they won’t get a real job; they’re boring but don’t want to acknowlege it or do anything about it. Hey, if that shirt was “in” when they were in high school, no need to see if any ads/mannequins/humans under 60 wear it today.
I don’t have a single female friend who hasn’t asked herself, “What am I doing wrong?” and been totally open — often too open, in a self-blame-y way — to the answer, and to changing the answer, often with great success. But I almost never find that men ask that question, or are even willing to hear the answer, let alone do anything about it. Instead, single men in my experience behave as if the only life possibilities are being the way they are, or acting. The idea of growth and change don’t make the radar.
Of course some men welcome growth and change. But those men grew and changed, or were pretty cool to start with, and are usually — not always, but usually — hooked up. . . .
Naturally, like most generalizations, there are doubtless exceptions to this. And yet I think there’s a lot of truth to it: Women think a lot — much more than men — about how they can become more attractive, and are willing to do a lot to try to become more attractive. Don’t know what to do about that, but there it is.
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