In response to my posting an excerpt of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” a Harvard law student offers his take on the song, “99 Problems but 12(b)(6) Ain’t One.” This version was prepared for Professor Heather Gerken’s annual Civil Procedure Poetry Slam, but neither me nor the author vouches for its legal accuracy. (CivPro professors take note: Here’s more exam material.) Unlike my post below, this is not the radio edit.
If you’re havin’ claim problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
[Verse One]
I got Cravath & Co. on the fact patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my claim is closed
Posner is sayin my pleading’s all toast
I’m from HLS stupid what kind of tacks are those?
If you drew up your prose meetin’ rule ocho
You think you gotta be more specific? No!
I’m like “check Conley; kiss my whole asshole”
If you don’t like my pleadin’ you can get turned-over
Got beef with judges if I don’t pass them show
They don’t permit my ‘mendments where ain’t undue prejudice WHOA
Them defendents all try ‘n relate back
So clients can pin my Doe for real…losers
I don’t know what you take me as
or understand the intelligence that Dean Kagan has
I’m from rags to Cambridge, Justice I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me.
[Chorus]
99 Problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
If you havin claim problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me
[Verse Two]
The year is ’94 and in my trunk is raw
In my rear view mirror is the motherfuckin’ law
I got two choices y’all pull over the car or
Bounce on the devil; dump due process on the floor
Now i ain’t tryin to see no litigation with jake
and 1988’s on my side i can fight the case
But I…pull over to the side of the road
And i heard “Son do you know why i’m stoppin you for?”
Cause I’m Vinnie Capasso and I got garbage to throw?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo?
“Well you missed your last payment that malomar”
“License and registration and step out of the car”
“Are you aware of your rights? I’m sure a lot of you are”
I ain’t steppin out of shit — 14th amendment you bitch”
“Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?”
Well you ain’t got authorization and you ain’t got no facts
And I know my rights so you don’t got due process for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack are you some type of lawyer or something?”
“Or some section 4 kid or somethin?”
Nah I ain’t pass the bar but I know a little bit
Enough that you won’t illegally replevin my shit
“We’ll see how smart you are when your notice comes”
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me
[Chorus X2]
[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
A student like myself had to hold a depo
This was not a depo like with a tape recorder
But a depo with my fist and a crowbar
I tried to 27(b) him, get him to talk
Pray for him, cause next time he ain’t gonna walk
You know the type, pointin’ to 26(b)(3)
Saying “that’s privileged bitch, you gettin’ nothing from me”
The only thing that’s gonna happen I’m gonna get ’em on the stand
Gonna outdo what those retards in In Re Shell Oil can’t
And there I go trashin’ your privilege again
And if you don’t go complyin’ I’ll 37(d) yo ass
In-house council on the floor cryin’ again
Paralegals with they billables rackin’ them
Judge goes and tries to bring up Control Group Theory
That’s crap, but then I’d get your lower-level employee
All because these fools was harrasin’ me
Tryin’ to play this boy like he’s in section 3
But ain’t nothin sweet ’bout how i hold my Mont Blanc
I got 99 problems but this claim ain’t one
Sue me
[Chorus X3]
You’re crazy for this one Prof. G!
It’s your boy
The things law students will do to procrastinate!
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