Reader Kieran Jadiker-Smith writes:
I am a gay man, and, on a few occasions, I’ve gotten the “what a waste” remark from straight women. I haven’t found this offensive; generally it’s said in a playful, joking manner, and is not meant all that seriously. I suppose if someone said it with wide-eyed seriousness, I would be a bit annoyed, but I’ve never encountered it in that context.
For the record, I do find the idea of my having sex with women quite disgusting. But somehow, when someone makes a joke like this, I don’t feel compelled to conjure up some graphic and explicit image of heterosexual sex. I take it simply as someone saying, in a humorous way, that she finds me attractive.
It’s possible to rationalize indignance at any kidding involving issues of identity, but I don’t think it helps in a society where we increasingly expect people who are different from one another to get along and even be friendly with one another. I should also mention, at this point, that I am 20 years old and grew up in two highly diverse, cosmopolitan urban areas (Vancouver, BC and San Francisco) and my friends have always been a mix of races, religions, backgrounds, and, starting in high school, sexual orientations. In general — even in oh-so-PC San Francisco — I’ve found that people prefer being able to joke about these issues a little bit rather than walk on eggshells, afraid to say anything about them lest they give offense. I came out of the closet when I was 15, and I think the ability to joke about it — up to a point, anyway — helped ease tensions as friends and acquaintances (some of whom had never had a gay friend before!) adjusted to the idea.
This whole discussion — perhaps because it’s that time of year — reminds me of an item you ran some time ago about whether Jewish people might take offense at being wished a merry Christmas. I, too, am Jewish. But, like you, I’ve chosen — sensibly, I think — to interpret “Merry Christmas” as something other than an act of hostility or a subtle suggestion that I should convert to Christianity. I very much doubt than many people — Christian or otherwise — intend it as such. I simply accept it as I think it’s offered — as a wish for a happy holiday season, even if I’m not celebrating the holiday to which they specifically refer.
So, too, do I accept “what a waste” as it’s intended — a lighthearted, joking compliment. I know this world is full of people who come pre-offended, but I don’t think they — or people who cater to them — are really advancing the causes of respect, friendship, comity, civility, or tolerance.
For all the same reasons, I don’t see a reason in the world straight men shouldn’t adopt the same attitude if they hear the same thing from a gay man. The interpretation of context shouldn’t be impaired by one’s sexual orientation.
Well put, and I wish more people had this attitude. At the same time, since the purpose of “what a waste” seems to be a compliment, its users should realize that at least with some listeners — though not Mr. Jadiker-Smith — it may not be a very effective compliment.
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