Because I like you all so much, I've decided to share my formula for guaranteed happiness — well, almost guaranteed. It's quite simple (and the idea's not original to me, though I can't recall from whom* I got it in order to give proper attribution):

1. Buy a lottery ticket - the bigger the payoff, the better. 2. Pay with (untraceable) cash. 3. Burn the ticket. 4. Watch the televised drawing of the winner.

You will be very, very happy when your number is not picked as the winner, which it will not be — I'm 99.9999999999% certain of that. You want better odds at getting happiness for $1, you have to talk to the Man upstairs.

[*thanks neurodoc!!]