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Romeo and Juliet;
or, The Veronese Washerwoman
Alexander "Sasha" Volokh
to the tune of "The Irish Washerwoman," a traditional Irish tune
I
A long time ago, William Shakespeare was writing
About these two families feuding and fighting;
These sword-wielding bums go 'round biting their thumbs
And young Romeo Montague's pining for love.
But it turns out our hero in love wasn't truly yet
'Cause at a party he met up with Juliet,
And when that's done then he thinks she's the sun
As he sees her come out at the terrace above.
While Mercush and Benvolio look for their homey-o
Juliet's sighing, "Oh why are you Romeo?
Names of the roses are moot to our noses,"
And Romeo wishes that he were a glove.
II
They make out and she says, "I don't mean to disparage,
But go and get lost if you're not after marriage;
Now, time to disperse, and I'll send you my nurse,
'Cause I'd like to have sex but I'm also a prude."
But his pal Friar Lawrence, who's working with homeo-
Pathic elixirs, says, "Shame on you, Romeo!
Don't be so quick when in love with a chick,"
But he thinks that their marriage will finish the feud.
So they meet up with Lawrence, all fresh and ebulliet;
Romeo now is the husband to Juliet;
Romeo tries to hang out with the guys
But he runs into Tybalt, who's in a bad mood.
III
He thinks, "Tybalt, I love you, alas you don't know me, oh,
Would that you knew you're an in-law to Romeo!"
Tybalt provokes and slams Romeo's folks
So Mercutio steps in and starts to get tough.
Now Romeo stood in between while they quibbled,
And so got Mercutio wounded by Tybalt,
"It's not a church door, but it feels kinda sore,
It's not deep as a grave, but 'twill serve, 'tis
enough."
Now Mercutio's dying, his mouth is all foamy-o;
"Plague on your houses!" he shouts out at Romeo.
Out comes the Duke and he gives a rebuke;
For the killing of Tybalt he's banished and stuff.
IV
So Juliet's crying, "Alas, and ah, woe me, oh,
First I lost Tybalt and now I've lost Romeo,
I've been forlorn since that lark of the morn,
And since I just got married, I don't feel so hot."
But her father's not ready to take the news coolly yet
"I know!" he says, "Let's wed Paris to Juliet!
She's in great sorrow so make it tomorrow;
If she doesn't like it then she can just rot."
And the Nurse says, "Cheer up, there's more men by the dozen;
Why speak well of him who has murdered your cousin?
Don't mean to embarrass, but don't you like Paris?"
And Juliet says to the Nurse, "I think not."
V
Friar Lawrence tells Juliet, "Gotta move quicker,
Now go to your room, take a dose of this liquor --
So no need to rant; you will soon be in Mantua.
Trust me on this; there's no way we'll go wrong."
Friar John goes to Romeo, riding his mule, yet
Can't get to tell him the news about Juliet;
Romeo dies, though it's no great surprise,
And then Juliet kills herself too before long.
So everyone dies 'cause the plan was just stupid,
But that's what you get when you're working for Cupid,
And once they decease, then their parents make peace,
And that's how we get to the end of the song.
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