He Said: The walk of shame

He Said - SuretteSo after flirting with a young swan at a party, you invite her back to your place and she accepts. The road to pleasure town begins and as Johnny Drama would say, VICTORY!  Congrats boys, not only did you get laid, but you have a great story for the rest of your life.

Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity.

But girls, even though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year. We ought to thank you for that. And hopefully you got something out of this to … actually, we don’t really care.

But in order to achieve success, we need to understand a few tips of advice to become a champ. First and foremost, right when you wake up, get out of there. There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before. Not only that, it is kind of embarrassing when you smile at her and call her Julie, when her name is actually Ashley. Plus you don’t want to find out she’s a stage five clinger because that pounding you gave her last night will turn into a pounding headache for you for the next couple of weeks.

Second, even though you might feel like the man for doing it, make sure you don’t raw dog it.

Let’s be real, we are too young to have a little mini-me running around. I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant. Also, if you can’t remember her name, there is a very good chance you don’t know much about the broad. Trust me, you don’t want that hood rat giving you a venereal disease. Not because half are not curable, but the next time you try to bang and that little cutie sees that rash around your genitals, she’s going to be running for the fences. Listen guys, gonorrhea is a serious disease. So don’t be a fool and wrap your tool.

Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years. Remember to be ruthless and have no shame.

We are relying on each other for an entertaining story that is both hilarious and humiliating. Just remember one thing; her walk of shame is an induction into your hall of fame.

Leave a Comment

172 Comments to “He Said: The walk of shame”

  1. Veritas says:

    Aww, this is cute. The Fairfield U kids think they go to a real university.

    grow up you Ivy wannabees.

    • Fairfield Alum says:

      Thanks, Veritas, for pointing out that you go to an Ivy. That is a very relevant reply to this article.

  2. steve says:

    You are a horrible writer and a horrible person. Grow up and try to get through college without raping anyone.

  3. Nice job, asslick. says:

    Oh, walk of shame columns. so often written, so rarely anything more than trite. Congrats, Chris, as a writer, you took what’s normally a boring, overwrought concept in college and turned it into a massively offensive steaming pile of shit.

    I’ve gotta say, I’m probably most offended by the utter lack of comedy, irony or realization of how utterly offensive the vast majority of your readership would perceive this piece. And I don’t say that lightly- I’m a recent jlism grad who wrote for the diamondback down at UMD; I’ve seen plenty of offensive pieces published, and I’ve written a couple myself. The difference is that those pieces showed a recognition of appropriateness relative to the readership. Outside of the local date rape and misogynist convention up in Boston, this article possesses zero redeeming qualities for any readers.

    Good luck finding a job; I’m not kidding in the least when I say all recruiters in pretty much every field do a basic google search of your name when you apply to make sure you’re not an axe murderer – or, now, Chris Surette. Have fun flailing at work in the real world, asshole.

  4. thomas says:

    Ha Ha, your a dumbass! Forget about how offensive the column is, its just so triple U, unfunny, uninspired and unreadable. Congrats you wrote the perfect anti-column. And your a Red Sox fan which is great because it gives me another reason to hate those whiny crybabies as well. Hope you werent looking for a career in journalism, because this peice is going to be attached to your name via Google forever, ha ha ha ha.

  5. Jim Laurence says:

    As a child you tell your parents you want to be a pro athlete and their quick response is, “You might want to have a plan B”. It’s time for Chris to start looking into his plan B and since you like quoting Hollywood here’s one for you: You’re a no-talent clown. Do everyone a favor and stop writing and pursue a different career path that requires much less maturity.

  6. Hannah says:

    i can’t wait til you apply for a job and the person in charge of hiring googles you. fail.

  7. johhnydamage says:

    Good job plagiarizing the Entourage quote. Such a terrible story. Not funny.

  8. Matt says:

    The writing/writer is pathetic enough but who was the editor that approved this? Disgusting and embarrassing.

  9. Wow says:

    It’s not even that this article’s subject matter is terrible and shouldn’t be published, because it is and it shouldn’t.

    The problem here is that the writer is a joke, and the editors apparently don’t notice that ‘to’ is used where ‘too’ should be.

    Oh, also, the writer’s a joke.

  10. Nick Mendez says:

    I can’t see how, given the publication of this column, any woman will ever come within 15 feet of this guy. Everyone deserves happiness, and I’m sure Chris will come to regret writing this, as the blogosphere pulls off the cockblock to end all cockblocks. Congrats on being picked up by Deadspin Chris, looks like you’re a famous colu- no wait, just a sexist pig.

  11. Geronimo says:

    Way to be original, guy. There wasn’t a single thing there that hasn’t been said a million times before. The only difference is that those other million times were probably funnier.

  12. ip says:

    Oh look, and it’s a Red Sox fan to boot. That’s precious.

    • maribelle1963 says:

      “It”? Do you need to respond to a post that dehumanizes women by dehumanizing the columnist?

  13. Nick says:

    This was a stupid article that was most likely written as satire and was not meant to be taken completely seriously.

    But one thing I don’t get – if this has become such a PR nightmare, how is it still online? I don’t get it.

    Do you need a tutorial in how to delete data?

  14. Paul says:

    you must be a journalism major.

  15. Tom Ace says:

    This is the greatest article I’ve read in ages. If the “morality police” would get a grip you’d see he’s touching on the finrer points of college and sex. I mean a girl who would sleep with you on the first night OBVIOUSLY deserves the”Walk of Shame”.

    Oh who am I kidding, this has to be the best piece of self-sabotage I’ve seen in ages. Jump in front of a truck.

    Red Sox are garbage too.

  16. Matt says:

    How many times did you have to sit down and write this? Do you have editors? publishers? Swans? Clinger? Entourage quotes? Not to mention the sexism and almost every other -ism covered here, I believe any woman/man that has touched you is having a new feeling of regret.

    This is disgusting on so many levels.

  17. Alum says:

    Ridiculous! Nice job editors of my Jesuit, Catholic university’s student newspaper. Way to represent the the high level of morals and writing talent at the proud institution I called home for 4 years. So unacceptable and shameful my parents are disappointed and that’s the worst.

  18. sierra says:

    This article is extremely offensive and degrading toward women. You are a terrible writer. The only good thing that might come out of this article is the hope that the women in your life will read it and choose to have nothing to do with you.

  19. Chrissie says:

    As a comedy writer myself, not only is this a humorless and very poorly written article, it’s in very bad taste for a Jesuit University. Fairfield prides itself on its high moral standards, academic excellence, and is known for its overall nice student community and its sad to see that this tarnishes that a bit. As a communications major who graduated only 4 years ago I do remember there were pieces written similar to this, yours is just extra bad. Although I’m almost certain you weren’t a ladies man before writing this article, I can guarantee no girl with an internet connection will want to sleep with you for the foreseeable future (misogyny is not sexy). We all make poor decisions when we’re young so I am cutting you a very tiny amount of slack, but like the other have said, I doubt others will.

  20. Jake says:

    Encouraging sexual predation and the humiliation and degradation of women. Awesome. I’d love to be the manager that turns you down for your next job after s/he does a Google search on you.

  21. technicolorsheep says:

    Awww, Chris, you’re surely going to be delighted? You’ve just managed to gain a larger readership than you could have ever imagined – or, probably, hopefully, actually wanted (Do you see that I am giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming you have a tiny amount of sanity left?)…

    See, even though I live in Germany, I’ve been reading about your nightly adventures in sick-fantasy-land and I have to say: I am relieved. The lack of humour, wit and – most of all – style that we are so generously and frequently being associated with obviously also extends to you and your university newspaper. (So, phew! we’re not the only ones. I don’t feel half as bad now that I know there are even worse dorks out there.)

    Unfortunately, though, you seem to have none of the conscientiousness with regards to spelling or pragmatism. For if you had, you’d have surely kept your vicious, half-baked ideas on sex and women to yourself?

    I think you’ve just managed to significantly reduce your odds of finding a job, at home or abroad. Congrats, because I would have been seriously distraught to find myself employing or working with someone who not only holds such out-dated, offensive and misogynist views but actually has the audacity to voice them without seemingly expecting any consequences. This, Chris, reeks not only of chauvinism, but also of plain stupidity. I leave it up to you to decide which is worse, though I recommend you work on both of them. Now.

  22. maribelle1963 says:

    1. Mr. Surrette says in his “apology” that he does not support sexual assault, but what on earth does being “ruthless” and calling his conquest a “victim” imply?

    2. If she agreed to the sex, why should she feel so debased it? Why should he be exhalted for having “shamed” her? Was this column written in the 1950’s?

    3. Does Mr. Surrette really think this is a typical attitude for “18-22 year old” males as he said in his “apology”? If it’s typical, why is it funny?

    4. I hope Mr. Surrette’s future dates are all reading this column. Moreover, this suggests that sound dating advice is to GOOGLE A MAN’S NAME as a screening device, like prospective employers now do.

    5. Good luck finding a future job, Mr. Surrette. As offensive as this column is now, it will not age well.

    6. If this column were about how to humiliate and intimidate black students and win points off their degradation, would it have been printed? Would it still be on the website?

  23. Jack says:

    Chris, I want to buy you a beer. That column was funny and basically comically states everything Frat boys say in private. It’s useful for women to read this. Liberals/feminist trash think that women who sleep around are “empowered” and “enlightened”. No. Youre sluts and whores and are thought of as such. And every college girl, in her heart, knows this.

    • Delly says:

      p.s. I am “feminist trash”. I sleep with whoever I decide to sleep with and not once have i felt ashamed. it’s not empowering or dis-empowering, it’s just sex. i know this and the guys i sleep with know this because we get enough sex for it to not be a big deal. anyone who gets sex with a variety of people on a regular basis knows not to care who girls sleep with and how often.

  24. aerdrie says:

    To commenter Jack:

    You must’ve been George Sodini’s beer buddy.

  25. CB says:

    Maybe if she isn’t so willing to enter your bed, you could just slip a little something into her drink to ease the process along, right?

    I had a whole list of criticisms to air about the garbage you’ve managed to get printed, but I see many others share my grievances and have written about them far more eloquently than I ever could.

    The only thing I want to add is that I feel sorry for every woman in your life. You have shown here that you have absolutely no respect for the female gender. In his comment, “Jack” says that this article “states everything Frat boys say in private.” If that’s the case, that’s a shame. All of you young men are going to have tough time when you realize that line of thinking will lead to nothing more than a future as sexual predator, or as simply a lonely old man.

  26. Ethan says:

    Hahahahahahahaahaha! Way to shake up the columns! I thought they were getting a little stale. I salute you for having some balls in a world where we are spoon fed soft media daily. Great job. Just look at how many people your column has reached and the strong reactions you are creating! Sorry you are not being properly thanked for your work.

    • Renny says:

      Um. Do you not realize this is exactly the kind of “soft media” we are spoon fed every. single. damn. day?

      This column is so old-fashioned it could have been written in the 1950s were it not for the terrible attempts at hipster jargon (”hood rat”? Are you kidding me?)

      If you want something new, exciting, daring and – OMG – radical, you should read a piece that doesn’t just regurgitate every gender stereotype drilled into people’s brains since before the Bible was written.

      It ain’t “shocking” because it’s full of wild new ideas. It’s just terribly written and promotes hating women the same way the media did in my dad’s day, and my grandad’s day, and my great-grandad’s day….

      What’s changed is that more people these days have a Brain (omg WHAT?! Sounds handy – sign me up!) and have woken up to How Tired and Old-Age This Crap Is.

  27. A Fairfield U Student says:

    1. Guys like telling stories about girls having sex.
    2. Guys don’t care if a girl gets off during sex.
    3. Guys consider sex a conquest.
    4. Girls could be embarrassed walking across campus in the clothes they wore the night before if some one saw them.
    5. Guys think girls are more attractive after they have been drinking.
    6. Guys don’t want to have a kid from college sex.

    Thats what i got out of this when I read it all relatively true statements about the typical college guy. Nothing about rape. Ah yes the word victim that must mean he meant rape. I supposed if he said, “he slayed a girl with his good looks” he would be a murder too? Get over your selves.

    • Rich says:

      Change the word “could” in number 4 to “should” or “will”, and “walking across college in last night’s clothes” with “knowing she should feel ashamed and slutty and that other people will judge her as a tramp”. Much more accurate. At least, that’s what I – and a lot of other commenters by the look of it – got out of the “article”.

      Pretty sure no one is suggesting the article actually directly promotes rape. But it could seriously ingrain that mentality in whoever reads it. Drunk girl? “Victim”? The fact that she is shamed, humiliated and has just been treated like an inflatable doll by the dude who took her home?

      Sounds a tad like date rape to me (remember that having sex with a girl who is extremely intoxicated means she can’t legally consent).

  28. Wow. says:

    Haha! Nice one Chris– I mean “A Fairfield U student”

    Seriously though, stop embarrassing yourself.

  29. AKC says:

    Chris Surrette: Worst Person in the World

    Man, I bet this guy’s friends, mother, relatives, etc. are really proud to be associated with a guy who advocates the sex should be ruthless and humiliating for women. A guy who calls his sexual partners “victims” is a predator.

    No, this is not “just a joke.” This is disgusting.

    No, this is not “just how guys talk.” Bonus points for anyone who can explain how that type of rationale does men a disservice.

  30. Joanna says:

    This is absolutely disgusting. I am horrified that a piece glorifying the degradation of women and suggesting that slut-shaming is necessary to make a man a “champ” made it past the editors. Sexual assault isn’t comedy.

  31. Stephanie says:

    Chris, I hope you’re aware that all potential future employers will easily be able to find this article. Good luck getting hired now that you’ve made it obvious to the world that you’re not just scum, but illiterate scum.

  32. Ellid says:

    Dear Mr. Surette:

    I hope you have nothing but daughters. And that someday, when they’re old enough, they Google their daddy’s name and see this column that so clearly spells out his hatred for them, their mother, and all other women.

    Perhaps then you’ll realize what a despicable thing you have done.

    No love,


  33. Billy Madison says:

    Mr. Surette,

    “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

  34. maribelle1963 says:

    Speaking of Mr. Surrette’s mother, I wonder if she ever walked the “walk of shame”? How about his sister? Or grandmother?

    Shame on you, Mr. Surrette. Every woman who loves you has been shamed and humiliated right along with you.

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